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LOVE
THEM ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT SEX
Good parent-child communication vital to combating
HIV infection in SA
1. Open, early and frank discussion
of sex and sexuality is key to reducing HIV
infection in South Africa.
Evidence from the World Health Organization
and other international reviews of sex education
programs show unequivocally that open discourse
about sex and sexuality is critical in reducing
the incidence of HIV infection, sexually transmitted
disease and teenage pregnancy. Talking enables
young people to engage actively with sexual
issues in order to get information, and to personalize
and internalize risks.
The evidence is clear that discussion with
children should start early, as they become
aware of their own bodies and before they become
sexually active. These studies unambiguously
dispel the notions that talking with children
about sex causes them to initiate sex earlier
or increases promiscuity. The opposite is true:
failing to talk with your children about physical
relationships, sex and sexuality places children
at greater risk of HIV infection or teenage
pregnancy.
2. Most children want
to hear about sex from their parents
loveLife's research has consistently found
that young people first want to hear about sex
from their parents, and want a continuing conversation
with them about issues of life, relationships,
sex and sexuality.
Over three quarters of young people believe
that open communication reduces the risk of
HIV/AIDS, reduces the risk of teen pregnancy
(78.6%), and encourages adolescents to be more
responsible.
3. Less than half of
South African parents talk with their children
about sex
• Nearly two thirds of young South Africans
(63.3%) say they receive no information whatsoever
about sex from their fathers. Half (48.7%) say
they receive no (34.6%) or very little (14.1%)
information from their mothers.
• The greatest risks that parents see
for their children are HIV/AIDS (44.9% of parents),
teen pregnancy (45.7%) and sexual assault (39.9%).
Despite these concerns, 40% of parents say they
never talk with their children about who they
date. Nearly half (46.5%) never talk about how
to decide when you are ready to have sex, and
a third (35.2%) never discuss physical relationships.
4. A critical minority of
parents, regardless of race, talk frequently
with their children about
relationships
Across culture and race, young people say that:
• One in three have parents who talk with
them about their dreams and aspirations (33.3%)
and HIV/AIDS (31.4%)
• One in four have parents who talk with
them about goings on in their lives (26.9%),
alcohol and drugs (25.3%) and friendships (24.6%)
• One in five have parents who talk about
the risks of sexual abuse (21.8%), contraception
and how to avoid pregnancy (19.4%) and the risks
of unprotected sex (19.0%)
• Only one in ten (10.4%) talk about dealing
with the pressure to have sex.
5. Talking with your children
about sex is not a one-off event
• Talking about sex and sexuality should
be a continuing conversation
• Parents need to both listen and talk
to their children
• Maintaining open and honest communication
is more important than getting your children
to see things your way.
TALKING & LISTENING -
PARENTS & TEENAGERS TOGETHER
Becoming a teenager is hard on both children
& parents. Find out how to make it easier.
Does this sound familiar?
"All he does is question me!" "I
am embarrassed to talk to my teenager about
sex." "You can't tell me who to be
friends with!"
Becoming a teenager is hard on both children
and parents. Find out how to make it easier
by clicking through the various topics on the
right navigation bar.
PARENTS IN SA
South Africa has every kind of family each
with its own values, beliefs, religions and
experiences. But no matter what you believe,
all parents of teenage children share a lot.
You are trying to raise children in an environment
where violence is common, HIV infection is growing,
drugs are widely available, and high-risk sexual
activity is the norm.
HIGH EXPECTATIONS
There are many things parents are expected
to live up to: You know how to raise children
You are always strong You never get angry You
are always available You are a constant source
of support You are eternally generous You don't
complain You know how to talk to teenagers
Being a parent is not easy. Being a parent
of a teenager is hard. But it can be made easier
through learning to talk with your teenager
about growing up. Because teenagers today are
faced with so many tough choices it is important
that they understand the consequences of their
actions and decisions.
You can teach your teenager to accept responsibility
for their decisions by communicating with them.
It is never too early to talk with your children
about difficult issues like sex, drugs and violence.
And it is never too late to start.
When children are little they look to their
parents for all their needs; they expect them
to have the answers for all their questions.
When children become teenagers they start to
look for their own answers. If they do not find
guidance at home, teenagers may start to look
to other people for advice and information.
As parents you can make sure that the information
your teenager receives is correct. But if you
don't speak with your teenager, somebody else
will.
Afraid to talk with your teenager about sex?
Many parents are afraid to talk with their teenagers
about sex because they think it will encourage
them to have sex. In fact, research has shown
that those who learn more about sex and what
can happen are more likely to delay having sex.
You need to give your teenager information,
support, trust and respect. It is through these
actions that teenagers will have the confidence
to make wise decisions. You can show trust and
respect through praise. Praise leads to self-confidence,
which in turn leads to secure, independent teenagers.
Sometimes it is hard to praise teenagers when
they are shouting, bullying others, not speaking,
slamming doors and ignoring those around them.
As one parent of a 14 year-old girl put it:
"Since she started her period (menstruation)
almost 4 months ago, she's changed to the point
where she is unrecognizable. I am a youth worker,
and even I don't know how to handle my teenager."
Understanding the physical and emotional changes
your teenager is going through may also help
you assist them make positive life choices.
WHY TALK? You cannot physically protect your
teenager from all the dangers surrounding them,
but through talk you can give them skills to
help protect them.
Young people need to be able to:
- Make sound decisions about relationships
and sexual intercourse;
- Deal with pressure for unwanted sex or drug
use;
- Recognize a situation that might turn risky
or violent;
- Know how and where to ask for help and support;
and
- Know how to negotiate protected sex when
ready for sexual relationships.
It is common for parents to be uncomfortable
talking with teen children about sex and sexuality.
Most parents would prefer it if their teenagers
did not start having sexual intercourse at a
young age. But the teenage years involve a natural
process of sexual experimentation. Because of
this process of learning sexual behaviors, teenagers
are much more open to adopting safer practices
than older people.
Teenagers need to know that delaying sexual
intercourse does not mean that they cannot satisfy
their sexual desires. Masturbation is a healthy
and safe alternative to sexual intercourse.
Encourage your teenager to consider other ways
of finding sexual pleasure.
If your teenager decides to have sex, then
encourage the use of condoms. Condoms give the
best protection against HIV/AIDS and other STDs.
They also protect against unwanted pregnancy
Talking with children should be a way of life.
Children learn from their parents' behavior.
If you create a loving and open environment,
you are more likely to find that your child
will respond when you want to talk. If you shout
and often use abusive language, it is likely
your teenager will behave in the same way. The
more comfortable and secure you are about your
own feelings the more likely it will be that
your child will develop self-confidence and
firm values.
Before you begin talking with your child about
sex, ask yourself the following questions:
• What kind of example am I?
• How do I feel about sex?
• How did I learn about my body?
• How did my parents deal with my emotions?
• What did I feel when I was a teen?
• Are there things my parents could have
told me?
• What kind of relationship do I have
with my teenager?
• What kind of relationship do I want
to have with my teenager?
• Do I have the information I need?
• What do I want to say?
After thinking about these questions, you may
find you have to rethink some of your own beliefs
and ideas. In other words, you may have to change.
Change is hard. The most important thing is
your willingness to try.
COMMUNICATION - Talking, listening
and body language
Parents often wish their children would wash
the dishes, pick up their clothes, come home
when they are asked, and work hard at school.
When teenagers say no to these requests, parents
sometimes respond by shouting and acting "hard".
This approach may work for a short time. Outwardly,
teenagers may act as if they have listened.
But inwardly, the chances are they are resentful
and unwilling to talk more. This approach may
get you immediate results, but it will not help
you develop open communication with your teenager.
It is your choice whether your teenager conversations
start with a "hard" and unwelcoming
approach or a more calm, honest and inviting
one. If you want to build a strong, trusting
relationship with your child, you need to listen
to them as well as talk with them.
Listening means: Not interrupting when your
child is speaking Taking turns to speak Respecting
your teenager's point of view Using words to
show you are receptive to what you have heard
Doing things to show you understand what has
been said.
Okay, so you have talked and you have listened,
but you still don't get anywhere. What is wrong?
Body language!
We can all remember a time when someone we
loved was upset. When asked how they were, they
answered with sadness and teary eyes, "Nothing,
I'm fine". But, even if they hadn't said
a word, and without knowing it, their body language
told you how they were feeling and thinking.
You can tell if your teenager is not interested
in what you are saying when they roll their
eyes, stare blankly, and scrunch their faces.
A lot of messages we send and receive come from
the way we use our bodies. Body language includes:
• Eye contact
• Facial expressions
• Body posture and movement
• Hand gestures
• Touching
• Physical distance
For example, you may say to your teenager, "I
really want to talk to you", but if you
also fold your arms and frown, another message
will be sent. Your teenager could think the
second message is "you better listen, or
else".
We also send m3ssages by the tone of our voice.
In fact, the words we use are only a small part
of our communication.
Communication is a two-way process. It is about
speaking, listening and body language.
Reasons why teenagers feel parents don't speak
to them:
"The parents are afraid to talk to their
children, they say you must be home at 6 o'clock
and you ask 'why?' and they say 'you must be'."
Zandile, age 14 "They're afraid to talk
to you because they think they're giving children
license to have sex." Tshepo, age 15 "My
parents never talked to me about sex. The message
was that sex was bad. Whenever there was a sex
or kissing scene on a movie, my mother would
just switch it off saying it was bad. So, I
started to do things behind her back."
Lucia, age 16 "I've never spoken to my
family about this, only with my friends because
I think I can trust them more than anyone else."
Enrico, age 15
OPEN RELATIONSHIPS - Building
and Keeping Open Relationships
The more you build an open and trusting relationship
with your teenager the more likely it is you
will be able to help your teenager make informed
choices about the difficult challenges of growing
up in South Africa.
There are many ways to build open relationships:
• Start with questions that show you are
comfortable talking with your teenager about
difficult things.
For example: "Do you know if any of your
friends use drugs and what do you think of that?"
"Do you use a condom?"
• Put your child's safety first.
Try to put aside what you feel about sex and
your beliefs about HIV/AIDS. Sex without a condom
is unsafe. This message is very important, because
the information could save your teenager's life.
• Make sure you have the facts.
Check that your information is correct.
• Use suitable words.
There are a lot of slang words used when speaking
about sex, drugs, STDs and HIV/AIDS. Use of
these words can confuse and embarrass teenagers.
Use the correct words to describe body parts.
For example use the words penis, vagina and
breasts.
• Don’t interrupt.
No matter how hard it is to listen, do not interrupt
your teenager when they are speaking.
• Share your values with them.
Sharing facts is not enough. It is also important
to explain why you as a parent act the way you
do, and what your morals are. Teenagers want
to know why things are the way they are. It
helps to give reasons for your decisions. "That's
why" as a response is not enough.
• Accept that your teenager's values
may be different to your own.
Don't let these differences stop you from talking.
Be respectful of the fact that your teenager
is an individual with a view of the world different
to yours.
• Keep it going.
Talk often. Don't expect things to change after
the conversation. Change takes time.
• Do not threaten your child.
Never use the threat of violence to get your
teenager to change.
• Talk about fun and interesting things.
Don't always talk about the tough things.
• Ask your teenager for help.
If you are stuck, ask your teenager to comment
or give opinions on this booklet. Tell them
why you are reading it.
• Build their confidence by praising
them for what they are good at.
• Tell them what you are feeling.
Tell your teenager about your fears. If for
example you fear conversation will encourage
your teenager to have sex, you may want to say:
“I am really worried that you might have
sex and get pregnant, or get STDs or HIV/AIDS,
but I want you to know as much as you can so
in the end you can decide".
• Leave booklets and magazines around
the house.
This will make it easier for your teenager to
find out more about the issues they are not
comfortable talking about.
• Don't give up.
Even if you feel your teenager is not listening,
keep talking - no matter how hard, encourage
your teenager to as well.
• Take a break if you feel you have to.
• Give them privacy when they ask for
it.
There are some topics your teenager will not
want to discuss with you. For example, masturbation
and wet dreams. Stress that these are normal
and healthy sexual experiences. But, if asked,
give your child time to work out and understand
things by themselves.
• Whatever happens make sure they know
when times get tough you will be there to support
and love them.
REMEMBER
• Your teenager is different from you.
• Things have changed. You may need to
change too.
• You will never be a perfect parent,
but you can become a confident one.
• You can only do your best.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
For more information contact loveLife's Parentline
on 0800 121 100 or call any of the following
numbers:
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