Many parents are afraid to talk with their teenagers about sex because they think it will encourage them to have sex. In fact, research has shown that those who learn more about sex and what can happen are more likely to delay having sex.

The more you build an open and trusting relationship with your teenager, the more likely it is you will be able to help your teenager make informed choices about the difficult challenges of growing up in South Africa.

• Start with questions that show you are comfortable talking with your teenager about difficult things. For example: "Do you know if any of your friends use drugs and what do you think of that?" "Do you use a condom?"
  
  
• Put your child's safety first. Try to put aside what you feel about sex and your beliefs about HIV/Aids. Sex without a condom is unsafe. This message is very important, because the information could save your teenager's life.
  
  
• Make sure you have the facts. Check that your information is correct.
  
  
• Use suitable words. There are a lot of slang words used when speaking about sex, drugs, STIs and HIV/Aids. Use of these words can confuse and embarrass teenagers. Use the correct words to describe body parts. For example use the words penis, vagina and breasts.
  
  
• Don't interrupt. No matter how hard it is to listen, do not interrupt your teenager when they are speaking. Listening means not interrupting when your child is speaking; taking turns to speak; using words to show you are receptive to what you have heard and doing things to show you understand what has been said.
  
  
• Watch your body language. We also send messages by the tone of our voice. In fact, the words we use are only a small part of our communication. A lot of messages we send and receive come from the way we use our bodies. Body language includes eye contact, facial expressions, body posture and movement, hand gestures, touching and physical distance
  
  
• Share your values with them. Sharing facts is not enough. It is also important to explain why you as a parent act the way you do, and what your morals are. Teenagers want to know why things are the way they are. It helps to give reasons for your decisions. "That's why"� as a response is not enough.
  
  
• Accept that your teenager's values may be different to your own. Don't let these differences stop you from talking. Be respectful of the fact that your teenager is an individual with a view of the world different to yours.
  
  
• Keep it going. Talk often. Don't expect things to change after the conversation. Change takes time.
  
  
• Do not threaten your child. Never use the threat of violence to get your teenager to change.
  
  
• Talk about fun and interesting things. Don't always talk about the tough things.
  
  
• Ask your teenager for help. If you are stuck, ask your teenager to comment or give opinions on this booklet. Tell them why you are reading it.
  
  
• Build their confidence by praising them for what they are good at. Praise leads to self-confidence, which in turn leads to secure, independent teenagers.
  
  
• Tell them what you are feeling. Tell your teenager about your fears. If for example you fear conversation will encourage your teenager to have sex, you may want to say: "I am really worried that you might have sex and get pregnant, or get STIs or HIV/Aids, but I want you to know as much as you can so in the end you can decide"�.
  
  
• Leave booklets and magazines around the house. This will make it easier for your teenager to find out more about the issues they are not comfortable talking about.
  
  
• Don't give up. Even if you feel your teenager is not listening, keep talking - no matter how hard, encourage your teenager to as well.
  
  
• Take a break if you feel you have to.
  
  
• Give them privacy when they ask for it. There are some topics your teenager will not want to discuss with you. For example, masturbation and wet dreams. Stress that these are normal and healthy sexual experiences. But, if asked, give your child time to work out and understand things by themselves.
  
  
• Whatever happens, make sure they know you will be there when times get tough to support and love them.

Remember:

• Your teenager is different from you.
• Things have changed. You may need to change too.
• You will never be a perfect parent, but you can become a confident one.
• You can only do your best.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help.

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